I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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