My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
