Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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