She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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