Soap is not a condiment
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
