I hope mine doesn't look like that
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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