he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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