need another drink. this is the easiest way
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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