I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
