Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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