Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
