I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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