Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
