And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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