I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
