I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
