i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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