You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
