Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
