now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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