i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
