So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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