Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize