apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
