Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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