Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I cockslap morals
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
