you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
