I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
