Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
