I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
