saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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