So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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