if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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