I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
