Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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