She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
