Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
