angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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