My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
