The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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