I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
