Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
