My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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