I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
