Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
