dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
