I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
being pregnant is like rehab
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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