I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
