It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
