if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
