Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I need to align my fucking chakras
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
