if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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