I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
