Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
