I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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