I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
