Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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