i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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