Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Randomize
