Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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